What the Hell Would I Be Without You?
by rainingroses05
Summary: "I just... don't want you to leave me." There are some people you just can't be without. For Philkas Week- Day 4- Break Up. Title from "Sick of Losing Soulmates" by Dodie Clark.


Philip kicks the door. He slams his hand against the wall and punches the side of his bed and throws the same pillow at the floor over and over until he's out of breath. He sits on his bed and buries his face his hands.

"Philip?" Helen knocks lightly on his bedroom door.

"I don't want to talk about it," Philip says, his voice muffled.

Helen sighs.

Philip can tell that she's still standing there for a few moments before he hears her footsteps fading down the hall. He tucks his knees up to his chest and plays with the corner of the blanket at the end of his bed.

Lukas' voice is still ringing in his ears.

 _"I just don't know if I can do this anymore."_

 _"What?"_

Philip's eyes water, and he bites the inside of his lip. He lies down on his back, tucking a pillow under his head.

Maybe if it hadn't been so _out of nowhere_ , it would be easier.

Then again Philip struggles to think of any situation in which he would consider Lukas breaking up with him "easy."

 _"What are you talking about?" Philip tries to put one hand on Lukas' shoulder, but Lukas moves away._

 _"We're both going to go away to college soon. And we both know we're never going to be able to make that work," Lukas says quietly. He doesn't look Philip in the eye._

 _"Why not? How do you even know we'll be at different schools?"_

 _"I just know, and it'll be too hard, okay?" Lukas snaps. "We might as well just… save ourselves from the disappointment or… whatever."_

Philip inhales shakily, his breath hitching in his throat.

He should have seen it coming. There has to be a _reason_ Lukas thinks they wouldn't be able to make it work in college. There has to be _something_ he could have done better.

There's another knock at the door.

Philip rubs his eyes quickly, sitting up. He dangles his legs over the side of his bed, his feet brushing slightly against the cold floor.

The door opens slowly with a quiet squeak. "Philip?"

It's Helen again.

Philip presses the heel of his palm against his eye, not looking at her. "Hey." He clears his throat and sniffs.

"Hey. Can I sit?" Helen asks.

Philip nods, and she sits next to him on the bed.

"You doing okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," Philip lies. It's his default response. It's what you're supposed to say when people ask, because most of the time, they don't really want to know.

Sometimes he forgets that Helen is one of the few people who actually cares.

"I just want to know what I did wrong," Philip says softly.

Helen sighs and wraps her arm around his shoulders.

They sit like this for a few minutes.

It makes Philip miss his mom.

The snarling noise of a motorbike comes from somewhere outside.

Helen raises her eyebrows. "Sounds like someone's here to talk to you."

"What if I don't want to talk to him?" Philip asks, but he's already on his feet and walking into the hall.

"Then you don't have to." Helen walks down the stairs a short distance behind Philip. "But I think you do."

Lukas is taking off his helmet when Philip walks outside.

"What do you want?" Philip calls from the front door. He doesn't look directly at Lukas, glancing slightly to the right and watching the wind blow through a tree. He prays that his eyes aren't red and puffy and that he looks at least slightly less upset than he feels.

"I'm sorry," Lukas offers. He walks up to join Philip on the porch.

Philip clenches his jaw and nods. "Yeah? Why are you here, Lukas? I thought we were done."

"Can I just… explain?"

Philip finally turns to look at him. He _looks_ sorry, and part of Philip just wants to kiss him and say that it's okay because he _hates_ seeing Lukas upset. But the other part of him is so _angry_ , and he won't just give in because Lukas makes puppy dog eyes at him. "I'm not going anywhere."

Lukas shifts back and forth, fidgeting uncomfortably. "The other day," he begins, "just seeing the schools you're applying to… We both know I couldn't get into a school like that, and… you could."

"Why couldn't you?" Philip asks flatly, picking at a piece of chipping paint on the porch railing.

"You're smarter. You care more. I don't know, Philip; it's just the truth."

"That's not-"

"It is, but that's not the point, okay? I just… don't want you to leave me," Lukas says softly.

Philip's chest tightens. "And the best way to deal with that was to break up with me, obviously," he says sarcastically.

"I take it back. I'm an idiot."

"Yeah. You are." Philip tugs on the end of Lukas' sleeve and pulls him closer, leaning in to kiss him. He pauses. "And I'm still mad at you."

Lukas leans forward, pressing their lips together. "I figured." He takes Philip's hand with a relieved smile.

Philip stares at him for a moment. "God, Lukas, you are such an idiot. I would never leave you."


End file.
